you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
