I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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