I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
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I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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