how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
