I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize