I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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