the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
