So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
no you cant smoke seaweed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
