I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
