Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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