take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
