Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
