have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You're like the curious george of whores
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
