Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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