Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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