You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
