So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
