I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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