Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
