I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
