saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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