You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
