mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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