Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Two words: nipple clamps
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