i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
