i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
