I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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