just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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