When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
