I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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