I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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