I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
