I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
