Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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