As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
