This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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