we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
