I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
