just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
