my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
