This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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