I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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