I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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