Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
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He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
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all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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