i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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