I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
