i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
