You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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