you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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