im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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