your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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