Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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