No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
