your thong is hanging out like whoa
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't turn off my feet"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
