Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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