I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
